For some of us, pets become our roommates, confidants, or even bad day companions. That's why losing a pet can be just as traumatic as losing a family member or a loved one, and the grieving process can be very much similar as well. Grief companion Kristine Kevorkian says, “What you feel when you lose your pet is almost more than the experience of losing a loved one.” She adds that it is vital for us to acknowledge the loss and get proper help. Indeed, healing can be difficult, but resources are out there always available to help you cope.
Most of the time you find it relentless when there is no one to teach you how to deal with the grief while you experience the loss of your pet. You don't know how exactly to say a proper goodbye to someone who has become a part of the family. A dog is never just a dog. You cannot replace your cat with a new one. Each animal holds a special place in your life, a little cozy corner full of memories, sweet routines and those looks you will never forget.
One of the first reactions a person gives when their beloved animal friend dies is not to fully grasp the situation. Even if they have lived a long life or has had a chronic illness (which prepares us for the inevitable result), the idea of their absence will surely affects us deeply.
After they are gone it's normal to feel their presence around us. It is very normal to feel the warmth of their little paws next to the bed or think they are meowing in the doorway. According to some, their spirits continue to exist to comfort us. Others say that because we are so used to hearing our friends’ voice, we might still hear their voice even after their death.
The memories that hurt us the most after the death of the beloved ones are those ordinary moments we spent together. When we get home from work, we no longer have a friend waiting for us with his tail happily wagging. Or, we can no longer feel that purr in winter days, the friend we played games with in the park is no longer there.
Eventually with the passing of time, the memories of that wonderful beings no longer hurt or make us cry like they used to. It gets easier and easier to look at the photos and videos those belong to them. We can talk affectionately about their adventures without having words stuck in our throats.
But before we reach that level of ease, we might have some questions those struggling us;
Is it normal for being hurt that much?
Intense grief about the loss of a pet is normal and very natural. Don't let anyone tell you that grieving too much is crazy or overly emotional!
Over the years you have spent with your lovely pet, and they have become an important and constant part of your life. They were a source of comfort and friendship, unconditional love and acceptance, fun and joy. So don't be afraid to reveal your feelings at the loss of such a heavenly relationship.
Some people may not understand the pet and owner bond fully, but in the end all that matters is how you feel. Don't let others dictate your feelings: these are real feelings of loss that you experience and can be extremely painful. But remember, you're not alone: Thousands of pet owners have experienced the same feelings.
You should take time to grieve
Your pet may have been part of your family for a long time, so the grieving process can take time. Psychologist Frank J. Sileo, who has worked with people who have lost their pets, says, “No one can tell you when you need to move forward or get over it. The grieving process should not be forced or rushed.” he says. There is no set timetable for grieving. You may start to feel better, but then grief can be triggered again, for example seeing someone else's pet, hearing your pet's name, or a special date, such as a birthday, may exacerbate your grief.
What can I expect to feel?
Different people experience grief in different ways. In addition to your sadness and loss, you may also experience:
If you feel responsible for your pet's death, you may have the "I wish I was more careful" syndrome.
Feeling guilty about the accident or illness that took your pet's life is pointless and often mistaken and only complicates the resolution of your grief.
Anger can be directed at the disease that killed your pet; the driver of the speeding car, the vet who "failed" to save his/her life. Sometimes it's right, but when taken to extremes, it distracts you from the important task of resolving your grief.
Depression is a natural consequence of grief, but it can leave you powerless to deal with your emotions. Extreme depression deprives you of motivation and energy, causing you to dwell on your sadness.
How can I handle the heavy feelings?
Always remain to be honest about your feelings, don't deny your pain, anger, and guilt. Only by examining your feelings and coming to terms with them can help you to begin to unravel them.
You have the right to experience that extremely uncomfortable feeling, on your own ways. Someone you love has died and you feel lonely and grieving. No ashamed to be feel angry or to carry any guilt. You should first acknowledge your feelings, then ask yourself if the circumstances really justify them.
Locking up grief won't make it go away. Express it; cry, scream, run, talk! Just do what helps you the most. Do not try to avoid grief by not thinking about your pet; instead remember the good times. This will help you understand what the loss of your pet really means to you. Some find it helpful to express their feelings and memories in poems, stories or letters to pets.
What should I tell my children?
You are the best judge of how much information your children can deal with about death and the loss of their pets. However, do not underestimate them. You may find that by being honest with them about the loss of your pet, you can address some of their fears and misconceptions about death.
Honesty is important. If you say the pet is "put to sleep", make sure your children understand the difference between death and normal sleep. Never say the pet is "gone" or your child may wonder what he did to let it go and wait for them to return in agony. This also makes it harder for a child to adopt a new pet. Make it clear that the pet will not come back, but that they are happy and their suffering is over.
Unfortunately children are not too young or too old when it comes grieve. Never criticize a child for tears or tell him to "be strong" or “not be upset”. Be honest about your own sadness; do not try to hide it, or children may feel compelled to hide their grief. Discuss the problem with the whole family and give everyone a chance to get over their grief at their own pace.
Will my other pets grieve?
Pets observe every change in a home and notice the absence of a companion. Pets often form strong bonds with one another, and the survivor of such a couple may seem like they are grieving for their mate. Cats mourn for dogs, dogs mourn for cats.
You may need to show your surviving pets extra care and love to help them through this period. If you're going to introduce a new pet, keep in mind that your surviving pets may not immediately accept newcomers, but new bonds will grow over time. Meanwhile, the love of your surviving pets can wonderfully heal your own grief.
Should I get a new pet right away?
Even if your home is quiet and empty, it's usually best to wait. Before starting a new relationship with a new pet, you need time to work through grief and loss. You may resent the new pet for trying to replace the old one. If you're ready to get a new pet, avoid getting one that looks like your previous pet or the same breed. Every pet has its own personality and it would be unfair to compare it to your new pet.
It takes time to get over grief and loss before starting a relationship with a new pet. If your feelings are still in turmoil, you may be angry at a new pet for trying to "replace" your old pet - because what you really want is your old pet. Children, in particular, may feel that petting a new pet is "disloyal" to the previous pet.
When you get a new pet, avoid getting a "similar" pet, which makes comparisons even more likely. Don't expect your new pet to be like the one you lost, let it develop their own personality.
A new pet should be acquired because you are ready to move forward and start a new relationship rather than looking back and mourning your loss. When you're ready, choose an animal with whom you can build another long and loving relationship - because that's what pet ownership is!
How can I lay them to rest?
When a pet dies, you must choose a way how to use its remains. Most of the time, in the very midst of grief, it may seem the easiest to leave the pet at the clinic for disposal. Although some shelters also accept such remains, most burials charge a fee.
Though, if you think that your property is available, burying it in the house is also a considerable choice. It is an economical and also a more honored way and allows you to design your own burial at a small cost.
You should check with your veterinarian or pet store for available options in your area. Considering your recent situation, personal and religious values, finances, and future plans when making your decision. It is wise to make such plans in the time being, rather than rushing through in the midst of grief.
Always reach for support
It hurts, so who do you turn to for comfort? Probably your best friends and close family members are your first choice. But you may encounter responses such as “Come on it was just a cat,” “Don't overreact!” or “You can always get a new one.” Even if they don't want to be ignorant on purpose, most people may not wholly understand the connection you had with your pet.
The right thing to expect sympathy, no wrong. If you lose a pet, people may become less concerned and careless. "People who lost their beloved animal friends should be given every opportunity to express their grief," experts say. We know that without someone to lean on, it can be much more difficult to grieve.
If your family or friends love pets, or even so have their own, they'll understand and show empathy what you're going through. Do not hide your emotions in a misguided effort to appear to be extra strong and utterly calm! Talking about your feelings with another person is one of the best ways to put them into perspective and find ways to deal with them. Find someone you can talk to about how important the beloved friend was to you and how much you miss them.
If you don't have family or friends who understand you, or if you need more help, ask your vet or they can recommend a pet loss counselor or support group.
If you are grieving for a pet, or facing loss, the free and confidential Pet Bereavement Support Service (PBSS) is there for you by phone, email or webchat. Their mission is to reach as many people as possible with compassion and understanding, so that no one goes through the pain of losing a pet alone. Remember, your grief is real and deserves support.
Create a memorial
Creating a memorial can help you process your emotions. Through journaling, you can recall and express unfiltered thoughts and feelings. This album may contain pictures of your pet, memories of special places you have visited.
Memorial Stories is an online memorial to honor and cherish your dearly beloved pets. In the end, pets are family. Some families have a cat or dog. Yours is no different. It may not be as "traditional" as some, but it is just as real, just as important, and requires its own set of traditions to remember those buried. Use what you've learned here to create your own memorial to those you've lost (and the ones who haven't quite left you yet).
Just like any other pet, it's a story of love, loss and healing. And it's the story that we want to help you to remember. Whether you're lost in grief or struggling each day to keep your emotions in check, the Memorial Stories allows you to watch a video and see those precious moments when they were still alive and well with you.
Memorial Stories is the very best in memorials on the internet, in our opinion, because it combines the best aspects of a digitalized memorial like an online graveyard with a physical piece, like a statue of your beloved pet. The creativity and heart that goes into this platform makes it a must visit for those who are looking to remember their forever loved friends.
Organize a ceremony
“These kinds of rituals encourage a sense of control and can give a sense of mastery over sensitive emotions,” Zimmerman says. This is a way to express loss and disappointment and begin to heal, and can provide some closure for the bereaved. If you have children, get them involved and encourage them to send farewell messages at the funeral box. Help them make a tombstone or plant a tree on the grave.
A memorial like this is another way to honor and express your love for your pet, whether it's under a tree in your backyard, at a pet cemetery, or in a corner of your home. You can reserve a special place for your pet's collar, toys, photos, or you can have a plaque made with your picture and name.
Visit animal shelters and become a volunteer
When you give love to a single shelter animal, you get back a hundred times what you give. But if you can't stand to be around other animals, that's okay too. You may not be ready yet.
And…
Part of grieving is about saying farewell and learning to let go, while remembering all those lovely memories that meant to be always stay with us. Eventually, you'll adjust to life without your friend.